Pain and Waste

Have this ever happened to you? You began work on a project and something unintended happened at the outset that felt catastrophic.

You finish the early stages of creating a spreadsheet for a project. You save at the outset so many times it seems like it is always the case. Not this time. And, when someone asks you to look at something else before you get deep into the remainder of spreadsheet project, you agree. “Need to close this out so I do not have too much open,” you think to yourself. Brain half engaged, already in the next location, you nuke rather than save your skeletal framework of the spreadsheet.

The moment you hit the key, but before you can react otherwise, you know what you have done as you look at a now blank screen. Your stomach marches out on your tongue, looks up at you screaming, “I  have angry contents I want to send your way because I AM SICK. You idiot!!!!”

It has happened to me. Yes. It is a helpless, frustrating feeling. The temptation is to tell myself something lame. Something along the lines of, “Well guess I was not supposed to do that today,” or “Apparently that project should go to someone else.” Or, perhaps worst of all, some self-deprecating, falsely humble comment to myself along the lines of, “You loser. You always do dumb things like that.” That is a response coming from Little Bart, the one who also believes at other times he should don the cape.

What is the appropriate response to pain, small or enormous? Pain, real pain. The pain of years lost, which can never be regained. The pain of opportunities squandered, some of which I may never see the likes of again. The pain of relationships damaged so badly they can never be returned to their original and potential state.

For years, my response to pain was essentially to waste it. Waste it in the sense than rather than sit with it and feel it, working to mine the lessons available once the initial searing waves passed, I medicated it in some manner. Sometimes it was flight, allowing one of my character defects to take over, guiding me to some dark place – which was only prolonging the pain.

I am grateful I finally see the reality of the truth that the pain is not such a tragedy. Pain provides me the opportunity to grow, to go to places and into actions I likely would not push myself to take without the pain. No, failure and pain are not tragedies. Both are part of the potentially redemptive part of life on this side of eternity. Wasting pain, pain endured, only to feel that same, or a very similar pain again, unnecessarily (or subject others to the same or similar pain again unnecessarily), that is a tragedy!

In pain? My heart genuinely goes out to you. I hope you have someone close by who can help calm you, reducing the likelihood you will flee in some manner to avoid the pain. Sit, hurt, grow. Mine the pain for the gold it will produce in your life.

To the lessons available to pain, and the lessons available without the cape. . .

Truth Is NOT Relative – A Recent National Example

Over the past several weeks respected NBC Nightly News anchor and managing editor, Brian Williams, has seen his world unravel. Williams has held the position since December of 2004. He is but the most recent example that truth is NOT relative, despite assertions to the contrary over the past half century. Williams is seeing his reputation built over decades being destroyed by his decision to be dishonest in a number of stories he reported over the years. Further, it will likely take him years (if ever) to convince the general public he was ever honest on anything that is not carefully reviewed from his past portfolio, or anything in any portfolio of work he is able to create going forward.

Fair? Perhaps not, especially in a world where the inanne idea exists that the only thing “true” is what I can perceive or experience. As one of my teenagers would say, “Really?” Is there anything less reliable that my perceptions? As God’s Word says, “My heart is deceitful in all its ways.” My own life, which I am seeing more clearly every day is proving that more and more clearly all the time. I can talk myself into ANY thing. It’s rationality can be whatever moving target I choose it to be – especially if I am only willing to subject it to my experience or perception. To quote my teens again, “Pluuueeeaasseee.”

I am guessing the Ken Lay’s, Brian Williams’, a host of politicians on BOTH sides of the aisle, litany of entertainers and professional and college athletes, the NCAA, most DI, college head coaches in football and basketball, public officials, and the list goes on . . . get lambasted by me because I either have to see their behave and take a hard look at my own, or attempt to focus your attention on them so you won’t ask me more hard questions. So you won’t confront me with body language that does not add up. Or, facts that cannot withstand the scrutiny of pointed questions.

No, truth is NOT relative. It may be difficult, heck, down right vexing to determine what the truth is at times. However, vexing, challenging, gut-wrenchingly hard, are all very different that does relative. And, they share this in common – humility.

The objective truth requires me (Williams, or anyone else) to do at least these things:

Believe my personal comfort is less important than others respect;
Believe that any professed “love” for another DEMANDS objective, verifiable truth – period;
Believe that the courage required to tell the truth in a badly broken world is its own reward;
Believe that respecting myself, which I cannot do, living a lie, is a treasure only I can take away from me;
Believe that others are worthy of the respect truth shows, regardless there station in life;
Believe that there are things that are worse than not having you believe I am all that;
Believe that humility is a greater virtue than knowing it all (or typically appearing to know it all); and
Believe, even if famous, or at high levels, the phrase, “I simply do not know is an understanding of a greater good than misleading people into believing something which is false.

So tonight before I go to bed, I will pray again for the courage to continue the journey toward honesty in every situation, as well as, the courage to proactively and quickly acknowledge when I let the popular notion, “Everyone tells a white lie now and then” – stupid as it may be to invade my actions prompting a lie.

No, truth is not relative. BTW, your taxes, the claims you and I make? Either true, or false. As recovery literature says, “Half-measures avail us nothing.”

Thank you Ken and Shirley for being people whose lives demonstrate, “It’s true or it’s false” – PERIOD, end of story. You were right!

Sorry this is what happens when absolute values are discarded . . .

We are such geniuses, we humans. At least in this country, approximately 75 years ago (perhaps longer), a worldview from Europe called, “deconstruction” began to gain traction in America. Because this is not a blog on philosophy I will summarize the view in this manner. Deconstruction asserts that there is no objective truth (or objective anything really). Every individual is free to hold whatever values he or she chooses to be true.

And, with each passing day, relativism, deconstruction’s child has us collectively sending ourselves a greater and greater number of mixed signals. They all however share and shout this in common – the notion of no objective truth is NUTS. Personally, as one who considered being an academic, and studied at the doctoral level, it is quite common to be a genius intellectually and an idiot practically. Relativism is a case in point.

Folks rave about a deconstructionist painter, sculptor, or architect. That is, on the architect, until it comes time to build a structure people would be safe in. Why? Because there are objective laws of engineering that no deconstructionist, “there is no objective truth” non sense can make so. A house without the proper support will come down and injure or kill its occupants – PERIOD!

Interesting that you likely would not like a decontructionist bank if you think about it. “Oh, your checking balance, there is no objective truth to that number. Truth is relative.” I can virtually assure you if you are reading this blog and an ardent deconstructionist you have been busted by the checking account example. If not, please contact me so I can be your banker.

And, finally, sports and public life sadly have become a joke as a result of relativism. Consider these two examples just from this week!

(a) http://collegefootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2015/02/06/2015-texas-signees-not-pleased-with-dl-coachs-move-to-gators/?ocid=Yahoo&partner=ya5nbcs

(b) http://finance.yahoo.com/news/president-nbc-news-just-sent-210400129.html

In the first, college football players at the University of Texas (and almost certainly other places were blatantly lied to – or wait – given relativism’s popularity, were they? Again, I will bet my skinny butt, if one of the kids who Texas coaches told, “Not to worry, the coach in question is not leaving” is YOUR kid – suddenly truth being relative stinks. Why? Because it IS NOT relative!

In the second, one of the most respected newspersons in America, Brian Williams, has been busted for lying – or wait – why is it lying if truth is relative. Why is half of America (or more) that asserts on all sorts of matters, “Well it’s not what it appears. Sometimes the facts vary”, ya ya ya, suddenly up in arms about whether or not he “lied”? How can I lie if truth is relative. Because in short it isn’t.

When I lied to former spouses, it DID NOT matter what had occurred to me. The truth is the truth – PERIOD.

Wake up folks. Lying produces harm. First, to the fabric of the character of the person who has told the lie. Second, to the individuals closest to him or her. Third to us all.

Let’s band together, squash the notion that truth is relative while there is yet time to save ourselves . . . from ourselves. Or wait – is it too late?

To objective truth . . . painful at times but ALWAYS the best option.

Exactly the Life I Wanted

Think a moment about this truth. At the moment you are reading this post, you have exactly the life you wanted.

“What? You are nuts baldy,” you may be exclaiming.

Am I?

It has been as recently as times in the past six months, I was making the same comment you may be making, regarding my own life. “Who the heck would choose where I am? Bluntly, I did. I am. I will.

Life is about choices, whether I choose to believe it and live out its truth, or I run circles around myself (and others) attempting to concoct some alternate reality – with its insanity. If I am “Not where I want to be” that “where” is the reflection of the choices I must have wanted to make on the way “there”. They may not have been rational or healthy choices. They were likely choices made out of pain. However, they were choices none the less.

Tragically, I believe perhaps as fear of our economic and personal safety increases (nationally and globally), we seem more and more becoming a land of blamers – people who want the “where” of their  lives – especially when “where” is not the “where” they hoped for in years past, to be someone else’s fault. While it seems to be growing ever more so, it likely started in the 60s and 70s as the notion of deconstruction first reared its head. It spawned “No-Fault” divorce and the “happiness” movement, and today we have a selfish mess.

Yes, I stood in line and took my turn for several decades. And wow. It worked out sooo well for everyone in my life. Thankfully, dear, patient, “we will bust your chops because we love you folks came around me and the journey is moving in a different direction. It appears the Titanic can be turned with a row boat. True, it is a slow process. However, it is a process worth the effort.

Where are you? Other than exactly where you have chosen to be. If you want to be somewhere different tomorrow, by Friday, by the end of 2015, spiritually, emotionally, financially, relationally, or all four, what specific things are you going to choose to do, and to avoid beginning today to arrive “there”? If you aren’t sure, find a trusted friend and let’s learn, or relearn to dream again. Let’s take the tangible actions necessary to change to the where we want. You are worth the effort!

Here to exactly where I am, and am going (and the rewards of the journey)!!

That Darn Kick-Board – Facing Weakness

In the last several months, aware how regular physical exercise compliments my spiritual, emotional and other types of exercise, I decided to begin training for a short course triathlon in an effort to improve a time I registered in November of 2011.

Once again, I received grace, as I was accepted into a very specific, results-producing training process with TriDot (www.tridot.com). I knew going in I was (am) a weak, weak swimmer. Oh, I can swim and have since I was in elementary school, courtesy of the Red Cross swimming lessons I took each summer at the KN Clapp pool in Lubbock. I even swam on a swim team in junior high. However, it has been, diplomatically, quite some time since I was in junior high (I believe 4 decades is accurately described as “some time”).

When I did the event initially, my goal was to survive. Defined on that day, as, “Not having to be fished out of the pool during the 300 meter swim, not stopping on either the 12+ mile bike ride, or during the 3.1 mile run, moving from through the transitions (moving from swimming to biking to running) as quickly as possible, and finally, not falling dead at the finish line”. I am humbled to say, I accomplished the goal.

My goals for two events of similar distances this year are advanced above survival to substantial improvement of my time, less pain the following day, and greater effectiveness during the event. I knew to accomplish the goals, I would need some assistance. That recognition alone was progress. I knew I could not deny, or coach my way to my goals. I did not have the resources. Thus, I sought out coaching suggestions for each of the disciplines from people with not only more information and experience but also a track record of consistent success.

Wow in a session where an individual was observing for the purpose of feedback my swimming, a powerful reality hit me. “I am right back to a place I avoided decades earlier. A place that made me feel weak.” That place – the physical weakness of my arms and legs.

Having graduated from HS at 6’3″ and 105 pounds, it is not like this was news to me. I was not a fast swimmer in junior high for the same reason. I was embarrassed about my weakness, and was unwilling to face that embarrassment head on, as well as, the hard, consistent work needed to change the weakness to strength. I was 13 – 15 and going through puberty. As such, I will throw myself a bit of a bone for the decision in junior high. However, what struck me most there on the pool deck was how that decision – not to face a weakness (or ineffective behavior) head-on had become a pattern.

So, here I am again. If I am going to accomplish my goal, I must face the challenge of a kick-board, kicking and pulling lengths of a pool over and over, unconcerned about those around me. I cannot control what they think, their progress, or their thoughts. Besides, they are almost certainly NOT paying the least bit of attention to me. Each of the other swimmers on a given day has concerns of their own. With consistent application of the coaching suggestions I am given, and the willingness to tackle the hard work, I will be a stronger, more effective swimmer (and my time improvement goal will be met – it is a virtual given).

The thought in the ensuing two months has prompted me to be asking myself, what else have I ignored that needs to be addressed in tangible, measurable ways NOW – in 2015 – before it tracks me down in the manner that darn kick-board has?I identified several, including fear and procrastination (the destructive, dynamic duo). Thankfully, I work with coaches in several areas of my life. I am excited about what I know will be improvement in my time in November at the Monster Tri (http://dallasathletesracing.com/package/monster-keller-tri/), and in others areas of my life as well.

To laps with the kick-board, and the truth that any pattern can be interrupted and changed.

Also, Thanks, Denae, TriDot, and T4Him (http://tri4him.com) for the KICK-start!!

“You Shall Know the Truth . . .” Being Set Free (Part II of Several)

The last post began a discussion of what is beginning to become clear to me regarding the relationship between truth and freedom. Regardless of the increasingly common social notion that “truth” is determined by what is most expedient in a given circumstance, that notion does NOT bring freedom to individuals or the greater community at large. How do I know? Despite claiming I believed the common notion to be false, I practiced it myself.

Got asked a question whose answer might make me “look bad”? I’ll just “adjust” the answer to a truth that made me “look better.” Need to make an assertion to keep someone from knowing I was not the carefully polished, composed image I presented? Well, truth after all is relative. What did you ask? Did I do that thing I promised I would? Okay, I will answer “Yes” because I know I will go do it immediately after I tell you, “Yes I did.”

Well, heck. Come on. All the answers were true, as I chose to define it. And, so has been the behavior of political leaders at the highest levels on both sides of the aisle (Yes, he did have sex with that woman. And, yes, his character in all areas of life mattered to his job, so did the personal choices of Republican legislators who were unfaithful and only confessed to as much when caught.) I am certain many bad business deals that have made national news are disclaimed with “It’s complex, or you simply don’t understand the nuances of the issues here.” Candidly, few has ever heard of me. But, I played the “It’s complex, nuanced, etc., etc., etc., game for years. It was false. It was bull crap. It hurt people. It damaged my character, which I have been intentionally worked to rehabilitate for almost 5 years – a process I intend to continue until I pass.

As I feel increasing freedom each day it is because I am learning to tell the truth about my actions – every one of them, increasingly on a proactive basis. The chips fall wherever they fall. BTW, I do not mean the truth about you. A desire to be truthful does not give me license to waste you with “truth” about you – unless you ask (Even then wasting you, rather than delivering the truth in love is arrogant). No, telling you what I think about you unsolicited is to confuse arrogance and truth, being plain spoken or “shooting straight” with being a verbal bully. This entire post is comment on the freedom that comes when I first learn to see myself – good, bad, and UGLY (and yes there has, is, and will likely be more of that) without disclaimer or expectation I will be given anything. After all, I do not tell the truth to get something. I tell the truth because the ability to tell the unvarnished truth in ANY circumstance says something about my character.

Here’s to letting you know, if I ever tell you the cape allows me to fly – I am not being truthful with you, or me!

To a truthful life on the sidewalk!

“You Shall Know the Truth . . .” Being Set Free (Part I or Several?)

The first part of the title of this post is an assertion made by Jesus in the New Testament. It’s conclusion is, “. . . And the truth will set you free.” For years, I believed the notion to be exclusively a theological one. And, it is that. However, it includes so much more than I EVER imagined – before I can get anywhere near understanding any part of the theological piece. My experience during a four and one half year period of life changing transition is that the first truth I must get my arms around is the truth as it relates to ME.

It is this up close and personal truth that I have found even harder, and completely necessary if I am ever to  become “rigorously honest” in other aspects of my life (yes, I was deceitful in so many ways, and to so many folks). For example, despite the fact that I had been unfaithful to two spouses my twisted thinking was coming out of divorce number two, “I just need to find a woman who understands grace and third chances.” What? What? Again, I ask, “What?”

No, and heck no!! What I needed was NOT some deluded woman who understood multiple chances. In fact, that would likely have been the last thing I needed It would have likely been an almost certain set-up for divorce number three). No, what I needed, and because of grace found, were male friends some of whom had been down similar paths who told me, “Buddy, there are no perfect women. The problem, no matter what those spouses brought to the party was you.” In other words what I made were new friends who loved me enough to speak truth rather than accepting my crap. I had to grow to the place I could accept, and own – with NO additions, deletions, revisions, or exceptions the choices I alone made and the harm they had done to those spouses, and our three wonderful children. Harder still was growing to the place I would accept and own the reality that the choices I made regarding those failed marriages, regardless of any attempts I made to reconcile, would likely eliminate many of the women I meet as as potential relationship partners (or spouses) even with continued diligent work on my part. That would not be them being mean, or judgmental. Them’s just the facts. If I was concerned about how my past actions might label me with many, the time to have considered that was BEFORE the choices were made.

Truth means accepting that poor choices have hard consequences. Truth means owing those consequences without self-pity, blame, or attempts to manipulate others (old or new) into believing I need anything resembling pity. I am an adult (yes, it is happening). And, adults who make poor choices own those choices, as well as the labels, and other consequences they produce rather than demanding ANYTHING of others. Adults get on with learning and living in a more healthy manner. Adults, grieve the partners and spouses, or others lost as part of the consequences, are grateful for friends who remain, wish well friends who say, “so long”, and enjoy the heck out of new friends, relationship partners or spouses, children (if applicable) and anyone else who chooses to be part of Life 2.0, 3.0, or (fill in the number of the edition currently being worked on).

As I am coming to carry out the reality day-to-day of the previous paragraph, I can feel the shackles being loosed. Heck, I think one leg is completely free. And, the wonder and delight found in those relationships that remained, and the new friends I have made in recovery, my family of faith, and new professional colleagues is almost impossible to describe. (Thank you most Ashton, Alexys and Andrew, aka the ABCs, you are each waaaay ahead of your dad).

How are you and truth getting along? Wow, for me, for a time following 30+ years of self-deception, I came to see, I could barely spell truth if you spotted me “Trut”. With God’s help, and the help of Bryan, Rob, Steve (M and E), Bob, Ken & Shirley (aka the Parents, wiser every day it seems) Kendra & Janna (and their spouses Bart2 and Bart3, and so many others me and truth are developing a relationship that has an increasing number of moments and days. Yes, some moments remain a challenge. Bart 1.0 occasionally reappears. However, it is easier each day to accept that he exists, but is being replaced.

I have encountered honesty and self-reflection in blogs Items such as this one (and others):

http://barenakedinpublic.com/2014/12/31/relationship-rambling/

I have also encountered life changing ideas in God’s Word, as well as in numerous books, including though certainly not limited to:

A Hunger for Healing (J Keith Miller), Recovery 2.0 (Tommy Rosen) .

To truth and the liberation it brings, which I am seeing with each passing day FAR outweighs any challenges it might present!!

BTW- healthy choices also have consequences – sweet, soul-nourishing ones, for me and all those impacted by my healthy choices!

 

Up From The Pavement . . .

I think I posted once in the Summer of Fall of 2012 while I still secretly thought I was wearing a cape. Yow, you know, a cape. A cape like the one a certain flying superhero always wore as he was fighting off villans and saving his life’s love, other damsels, children, and society in general. I truly believed I wore one. However, eventually the truth came out – I was the last to know and accept it.

This post is the relaunch after two last years of the illusion. More battles lost, several major. Injuries, pain, loss, death, all the things that come with defeat. I had been told in a plain-spoken (aka blunt) conversation by a loving friend I clearly could not fly, and hanging on to the illusion despite the carnage already at my feet would only prompt further loss – who was he? I could fly! NOT!

On the morning of September 20, 2014, I sat bolt upright in bed and it hit me – I CANNOT fly. My attempts have been futile all along, and continued foolish efforts on my own to do so had resulted in exactly what the friend predicted four years earlier. He had said then that a life I could not image was possible. However, seizing it would require the pain of two things (a) ditching the cape (and its silly notions of superhero status), and (b) humbly, decisively walking on the ground with other mortals.

So, here I am – the Capeless1. And here we are again, “Putting Down the Cape.”

Why blog rather than journal personally? Several reasons, which include at least:

• hoping my illusions laid out in plain sight might assist another man in putting down his cape well before he, or those he loves, works with, or is around regularly are wounded by his ill-fated notions of hero powers;
• attempting to be the friend another was to me spreading the word, “The Cape is fake and dangerous, put it down,”;
• sharing with other recovering super heroes what my journey includes (which may or may not be helpful);
• giving others some laughs at how foolish my flights were (might as well laugh about them now that the tears have dried – at least for a day or two);
• providing a forum for other men who desire to be godly to cast off the secret of their fake cape, having found a safe place – a brotherhood if one likes – of other capeless1s ); and
• enjoying myself in the company of other capeless1s, or capeless1s’ friends and loved ones who care to join us (this sidewalk has lots of room).

Topics for discussion as we move forward include things like:

• The general illusion society foists upon men about wearing a cape (and no, it will not be some post-modernist crap asserting men and women are largely the same);
• The value of pain – real pain – the kind that results from believing one can fly;
• The value of pain II – real pain, sharp pain – the kind that results from continuing to believe one can fly after crashing;
• The value of pain III – perhaps a theme is emerging;
• The scary truth about the sidewalk;
• The joyful truth about the sidewalk;
• The joy of being honest (really, there is joy in being honest, hard consequences and all in some cases);
• My bet that those closest to you never believed you could fly, and why you kept trying anyway;
• Descriptions and honor for those I believe have put down the cape admirably (geepers Beav, some seem like they resisted even picking it up for more than a cursory glance);
• Other items too numerous to mention here (at least too numerous to worry about now); and
• Topics you recommend on life without a cape.

Who do I hope this blog connects with as time passes?

• Men, who believed they were super heroes
• Men, who considered believing they were super heroes
• Men, who are tempted, and considered believing they were super heroes
• Any man, who is alive in 2014 and 16 (heck in these times maybe 10) or older and wants to love well, serve with purpose, and live without the burden of that dang cape – they are a hassle to keep up with anyway!
• Any persons who have men in their lives, who feel the weight of the cape, or the illusion of flying
• Any person who wants to be free, or freer, of the illusion of the need, to be a super hero (ain’t happening – Marvel produces works classified in the fantasy genre)

Where will we be in a year?

• A year farther from any notions I had I could fly
• A year healthier for our discussion together
• A year more thankful for the joy of life on the ground
• And a community of like-minded people that I hope will include at least 100 people – (beyond one that is up to you helping me. I brought me. Is all I can handle most days).

To life on the ground, and the joy it holds. To a life of honesty, authenticity, fearlessness (yes, its a paradox). To a life nearer what we were intended to be.

C1